Just Because I Carry It Well, Doesn’t mean It’s Not Heavy

I cannot stress this enough. Parenting is fucking hard. 

From the moment we birth, adopt, foster, inherit, become the guardian of a child - the "advice" and constant criticisms begin.

"Did you breastfeed?"

"Are you sure that's the best formula for the baby?"

"Oh my gosh you let your newborn sleep on its STOMACH?!".

"You gave the baby a pacifier?!"

It's like, DUDE when I was born in the ‘80s, my mother smoked 3 packs a day (Marlboro reds to be precise) and put down a 6 pack of Pepsi in a day like it was her job - and that was while she was pregnant with me. I highly doubt I was EVER put in a car seat, and I'm pretty sure I ate more than a few pennies by the time I could walk - which wasn't until I was almost two, by the way.

My household wasn't religious, and it was far from perfect. In fact, it was broken. My parents divorced when I was four and a LOT of shitty things happened not long after that. Maybe someday I'll blog about that - but for now, I'll hold off. It's heavy. And based on the recent shed light on my personal life and who we are as a family - I will choose to refrain until we see how this whole thing pans out.

So my mom, a single parent, raised me busting her ass day in and day out to provide a roof over our heads, food on the table, and clothes on our backs. She was my biggest fan, but also my biggest critic and looking back now, my respect for her has grown to a level that I could never put into words.

Single parents - you're my heroes. You are doing your absolute best to raise your little humans while still trying to live a life that is full and meaningful as an adult. You still crave that identity of being seen as a "person" along side the title of mom or dad.. It's a careful balance. I applaud you.

But if I'm honest - every household, every family, every situation is unique. Some kids have two moms, two dads, co-parents that never married but both parties wanted to have a child.. So they chose to do so, and raise a child together - but not exactly "together", if you catch my drift.. And guess what? MOST of those children are JUST fine.. They are thriving, happy and living their lives one day at a time.

WHY do I say all of this? WHY do I circle these topics?

Because at the end of the day, we parents all want the same thing - for our kids to be happy.

I've been a bit off the radar for the last month or so because I've been down the research rabbit hole of discussions and tons of reading. I was fortunate enough to participate in a panel this past weekend to speak on behalf of a parent with a transgender child.

Sharing our story felt like such a soul cleanse. I am not ashamed. I am honored. Privileged, really. I truly don't think I would have been chosen for this path if I couldn't handle it. Above that, I am choosing to make it my life's work to share it with others, and help them to see, feel, and accept that transgender people deserve every single thing in this life that any person deserves 

The challenge - the fight - the next steps in this will not be easy. They will suck. They will go against everything I've tried so hard to understand, but still cannot. 

To be fair - I have truly tried to see, to REALLY SEE the religious side of this. I was baptized into the Christian church in my 20s. It was my choice. It wasn't something I was raised my whole life with.. And although my grandfather was Mormon and I attended his church quite frequently when I was a child, it wasn't my chosen path when I became an adult.

Do you see what I'm about to say here? 

My religion was my choice. It wasn't something I was born with. It wasn't something I woke up with every morning confused by. I wasn't uncomfortable in my own skin whenever I practiced my religion.

Grace's gender isn't a choice. It was always a part of her, deep inside, long before she was able to communicate it to us, or to anyone.

I could write an entire blog post just referencing the incredible people that have contacted me over the last 6 months since Grace transitioned - to say thank you. To tell me how they had been raised in a religious, conservative home and were taught to believe that children like Grace didn't exist. And if they did, they were tainted - there was something wrong with them and they needed to be changed. But our story, our vulnerability ultimately changed their views on how they saw things in the modern day. And for that, I am beyond grateful. These were not hateful messages from people and me trying to change their minds.. These were messages from people that were watching over the last 3 years - seeing the progressions, the changes.. and then reaching out after the transition to say "I get it now. It isn't as black and white as I was always taught to believe."

And is it naive of me to think that everyone will feel this way? For SURE. I have attended Board Meetings for our school district and sat in the back of the room with my chin dragging so hard on the ground that I have rug burn by the end of the evening. I have heard hateful, painful words spoken about today's trans/LGBTQ youth. And at the same time I've heard those same hateful, painful words disguised as speeches for the masses that make the intentions seem good, but in reality are not. 

Let me be clear. I get it. 

No one on Earth was a bigger skeptic than me or my husband. I knew transgender people were a thing, but I never spent much time thinking about it. Researching it. Giving my energy to it because, if I am being totally honest - I didn't really think much about it. Transgender people lived among us like every other human on this planet. I figured they had the same rights, ate the same food, drank the same kool-aid..

But, the more I read the more I research and the more I immerse myself into the details of what it is to be transgender the more fuel it adds to my fire.. The more it opens my mind and my heart.. 

I am equal parts saddened & disgusted - yet hopeful & optimistic.

My five year old is not the first, and will not be the last to navigate this journey. But as her parents, and as her biggest supporters, we will take the heaviness of this experience and carry it for as long and as far as we need to..