A Few of My Favorite Things

I love wine but a well-crafted old fashioned is my favorite drink on planet Earth.  It’s sophisticated.  It’s warm.  It’s like one big giant bear hug.

I love TV in bed.  Time of day makes no difference.  It could be noon on a Tuesday, and my favorite place to be (when a tropical island isn’t an option) is my bed, with likely Grey’s Anatomy on the screen.

With both of my pregnancies, I loved when someone gave me advice.  “Don’t eat sushi!” or “Eat spicy food to induce labor!” Everyone had an opinion or a trick to share. But my favorite moments when was someone who wasn’t a parent would give me advice. (disclaimer - just because someone isn’t a parent doesn’t mean they can’t give great advice) – but if you’ve never had a child, giving that kind of advice is intrusive and illogical.

So when each one of my girls was born, the next wave of advice came around.  “You MUST breastfeed.. even if your baby is crying her head off and you’re frustrated and feeling like the milk isn’t coming – you HAVE to stay the course and figure it out.” And “If you let your baby sleep on their stomach, they’re going to suffocate.” 

But guess what?  Lily was a prolific spitter.  She would projectile vomit across the room when I would breastfeed her. It was so bad for a while she was actually losing weight.  I went to a lactation nurse, I eliminated everything but fucking WATER and she still did this, for months.  So eventually, we switched to formula, and guess what?  She’s a thriving, bright, incredibly intelligent HEALTHY almost 9-year-old.

I tell you this because recently I’ve started reading a column in our local newspaper which contain letters the community can send in to be published.  These are opinions on everything from climate change to ways to get involved in the future planning of our city, to restaurant reviews.  However the most difficult letters to read recently have been from those that are using the small newspaper as a platform to vocalize their views on transgender youth. And in the last few weeks and months, the frequency has become more steady, and more fierce.  

Some of these folks claim to be “experts” in the field of transgender people, they have done research and they are adamant they are in a position to make claims that it’s an ideology, or a theory, or in other terms “fake news”.

But here’s the truth. There is absolutely NO WAY you can call yourself an expert, or anything close to that when you haven’t spent significant amount of time with them.  Hell, I’m raising one and I’m still not an expert.  Remember when I said people that weren’t parents gave advice to me on how to parent my child?  Yeah, well.. this runs in the same circle, yet the harm in what is taking place here is catastrophic.

The things that happen in my house on the daily would make your head spin.  Grace had a total and complete meltdown last weekend because we had to take her ponytail out to fit her bike helmet on her head.  Now, normally this wouldn’t be an issue because at home, she knows WE know that she’s a girl.  But this time was different because we had gone to see her Papa (Grandpa) to go bike riding and he hadn’t seen her for a little while and taking out her ponytail meant he might mistake her for being a boy and that resulted in a heartbreaking reaction.  

This is just ONE example from ONE day that I can tell you about.  So when these “experts” are doing research on these kids and they see them once a week for an hour and then write articles on why this is a theory, an ideology or otherwise – it makes me want to scream.

When you have spent every moment of your child’s life nurturing them, raising them to be good humans, teaching them how to ride a bike and tie their shoes; when you kiss and put them to bed each night, when they cry because they don’t understand a math problem, when you know their favorite food is pasta and their biggest fear is getting eaten by a shark, then and ONLY then are you allowed to make the call that you truly know a person.  Grace didn’t wake up one morning out of nowhere and say “I’m a girl”.. we watched her, we listened to her, we gave her a safe space and accepted everything about her.. which is what made her feel comfortable to tell US who SHE was.

My favorite things, the ones that make me laugh just as hard as I roll my eyes, are the uninformed, so-rude-they’re-insane things that people say, like..

“Is it contagious?”

“Send them to conversion therapy.”

“Did you encourage this ‘behavior’?”

“He’ll grow out of it.”

Let me respond to this for you in one simple word.

NO.

And the long answer - for fucks sake, no.

So for those that try to say they’re an expert in this rare, beautiful collection of people in this world, the youth that are the few, the far, the between.. let me assure you of this.. YOUR ideologies are now one of my favorite things to discredit.. to prove wrong.  Not through verbal or physical war.. but through love.. through understanding and acceptance.. through experience.  True, everyday, life experience.

Because every moment of this journey has been my absolute favorite thing.