Dads

Something you may not know about me?  My dad and I have never had a relationship.  My parents divorced when I was 5, and I can count on one hand the meaningful interactions I’ve had with him since then.  

As an adult (and more so once I became a mother), I was curious about where he was and what he was doing in life - so I searched him up on Facebook and found him.  

I messaged him - we chatted back and forth a bit - he came into town, we had lunch, and I asked some tough questions.  

The bottom line is, he has a very different memory of my childhood and how his absence shaped my view of life, relationships, and ultimately how I would end up raising my own children.  

One of those still very vivid memories was the year I turned 18.  

My birthday is in September.  As with years prior, my birthday came and went without a phone call, a card, any acknowledgment of any kind from my dad.  

A month after my birthday, in mid-October, I got a phone call from him.  

It went something like this:  

Him: Meg!  Your sister and I had a bet and we need you to help us settle it.

Me: Oh?  What bet is that?

Him: We bet that your birthday is in October.  She thought it was last month, but I was sure it’s in October, right?

Me: Um.  She was right.  It was last month.

Him:  Oh.  Wait.  Are you 18 this month?

Me:  I turned 18 last month.

Him: So no more child support??

(As a disclaimer, he never paid child support regularly, and when he did, it was always the smallest amount possible so that my mom wouldn’t take him to court.)

The biggest takeaway for me is that perspective is a very personal thing.  

Somewhere inside, my dad is at peace with how he’s lived his life and the way he has prioritized the relationships he has.  It took a LOT of therapy and self-exploration to realize my worth and believe it.  It’s still something I struggle with to this day, and likely always will.

I have learned over time to accept that I never was, and never will be a priority in his life.

I promised myself that when I got married, I would never commit my life to have children with a man that would be absent emotionally, physically, mentally.

Thank goodness for Kelly.

He LOVES his girls.  

He RESPECTS their individual personalities and supports them both independently and collectively.

When Harper was two and we knew there was something different, something uniquely special about her mannerisms and how she presented in this world - Kelly was on board for all of it.  

His journey was definitely his own, and mine was mine - and we had to give each other space to navigate what was taking place in our own ways.  But never for a moment did he waver from his love, his respect, his fierce loyalty to his family, and the path ahead.

We didn’t always agree on everything.  And there are days we still don’t.

He’s evidence-based.  Science-based.  But with a heavy dousing of what-ifs and let’s wait and see.

I’m intuition-based.  Feeling based.  I believe in listening and following guidance, persistence, insistence, consistency of the everyday. 

In the end, he’s anything but absent.  

He’s engaged.  He cares.  He loves.  He’s loyal.

So here’s to all the long-haul dads.

The proof seekers. 

The science-driven fact-checkers.

The classic “what if-ers”. 

The “let’s wait and see-ers”. 

You keep the rest of us honest.

You keep the rest of us curious. 

Thank you for being you.