Eek…Am I Really Doing This?

As a disclaimer, out of respect for my husband and our children as they get older, I have chosen to use our children's middle names to keep some anonymity from new readers (should i get any!) and those we don't personally know.

Enter - a blog where I will navigate through some details about my life. The good, the bad.. the sometimes ugly. Considering I've been asked multiple times in the recent months to write a book, I figure this may be a good place to start. Maybe I can collect my thoughts electronically and then hand them over to a publisher one day and say, "Here. Good luck."

So, why? Why write a blog.. I'm not a foodie (although, my pants will tell you i love food in general), I don't travel much and I'm not selling anything. But with the things that have taken place in my life (and my family's life) recently, my husband turned to me and said, "Are you a supporter or an activist?". And I've grappled with that question a LOT.

Let me explain.

Almost 5 years ago I gave birth to the most beautiful little boy, Lane. 8lbs, 6oz of pure squishy joy. And minus the colic, he was a pretty good baby. I also have an 8.5 year old clone named Lily, and if I didn't know any better I would think this was immaculate conception. This girl OOZES her mother in every single way - although,. the parts that I love (and am challenged with) about her dad come through all the time..

When Lane was about 2, he started showing signs that he wanted to be just like his older sister. Wanted his nails painted, wanted to carry a purse around wherever he went, loved to play dress up in his sister's princess dresses. It was adorable. And it was also something we all thought was just a phase.

This last week, he graduated pre-k.. and at the end of graduation they hand you a stack of pictures from their time spent at preschool. In one photo, he held up one of those super cute signs from his first day in the 3's room.. "My name is Lane. My favorite color is pink. My favorite book is pink. When I grow up I want to be a butterfly."

This kind of love for all things girl progressed and became more consistent. Lane would go into Lily's closet and take her dresses, He would ask for clips in his hair before we would get in the car for school, and for lipgloss. What started as a "cute" way of play between the two kids became frustrating and annoying for Lily. And I wanted to respect her boundaries and her feelings. So after a few tough nights of trying to get Lane to stay in his bed overnight, I made him a deal. "If you don't come out of your bed for the next 3 nights in a row, I'll reward you by taking you to Target to get any two things you want." And guess what? That kid never left his bed for the next 3 nights. So, as promised, I took him to Target.. and that boy was like a horse to the barn. He went straight for the girls clothing department and picked out two of the most obnoxious, frilly dresses he could find. "I want these, mama. Are they my size?".. and so we grabbed the ones that were in his size and went home.

I should mention that if I would have let him change in the car (or at the checkout stand in target), he would have.

My husband and I have talked about the uniqueness of things over the years, but at that time, and in those moments, I wasn't thinking ahead. I wasn't thinking about the repercussions or the comments, or the future for that matter. Dresses and girl things are what made my son happy - so who I was to keep him from that joy?

All of that said - for the sake of keeping this blog post from turning into a novel (which as I've mentioned. I've had a handful of people tell me I should write), I will fast forward to 2 months ago. May 2019, when I finally said to myself, "What are you waiting for?". Lane dressed like a girl full time, was persistent, consistent and insistent that he was a girl, and wanted his family to accept him as one.

So now, at almost 5, Lane has socially transitioned to a transgender female named Grace. She is the happiest, most challenging and full of life human I have ever had the joy of knowing, and raising. I don't mean to make this post entirely about Grace, because Lily is equally as important and special to me - but I chose to start here, with a glimpse into what the posts ahead will be about. I will share stories of both my girls. The struggles and the joys of being not only a mom of two, but a mom of both a cisgender and a transgender girl..

And to answer my husband's original question? I believe I'm both an activist and a supporter. I find it therapeutic to write these words. It helps me better understand my own situation, and my hope is that it helps those around me understand that just because my youngest daughter is trans, doesn't mean she wants to be looked at or treated any differently than any other child. I am not ashamed. I am the lucky one. This path chose me, and I am honored to be chosen as the parent of this colorful child.

This, is Navigating Gray.