Back Two School

I have anticipated this day since Grace was born.

I knew at some point both of my kids would be in school.. but its all happening a lot faster than I imagined.

When Lily got out of school for the summer, I had plans. Lots of plans. Library twice a week, I bought workbooks off Amazon for morning activities to keep her mind fresh and challenged, an all girls trip with my mom somewhere fun for a weekend.. 

The reality? We've been to the library, once..

Those workbooks? Lily has worked in them a handful of times.

That girls trip? Yeah, hasn't happened.

Both girls have started therapy, and while they're doing so well and it's helping so much, I just always felt like I had more time. More time to prepare myself, Grace, and Lily for the school year - mentally, emotionally.. 

But here we are, less than one week before the start of the new school year and I'm not ready at all.

Okay, I'm lying. I'm ready a liiiiiittle. 

We're a talking family. We talk a lot. Sometimes too much. We're emotional. We're loud. So when therapy started it made me a super proud mama to hear after a few weeks in of Lily seeing our therapist that she is a "super communicative child" and "took no time at all to open up and start sharing how she was feeling and what she was thinking".

That's huge. 

It was also a gut punch because Lily told our therapist that she felt like it was her fault that Grace is the way she is. Because she exposed her to girls clothes, and girlie things.

It was the first time I'd heard that.

We have all talked about the "what" will happen when school starts. Lily will have friends that will ask questions and be confused. 

"Wait - don't you have a brother? Who's Grace?"

And therapy has helped her with the language. But honestly, that will only get her so far. It won't be until that first peer asks the question that will determine the way the answer will go. We've had all summer to let this sink in - to get used to this new girl in our family. See, we only socially transitioned back in May, so it's only been a few months. But for Lily - our home is safe. She can be emotional and raw and scared and confused and cry and be upset - but at school, she will need to find another way to channel her feelings. And as a mama - that hurts my heart. I can't be there every day to protect her. I can't be a fly on the wall when a kid laughs or makes fun of her new situation. I just have to cross my fingers tight and hope that she has a teacher she can confide in, and friends that will have her back to stand up for her when she feels sad.

What about Grace, you may ask? 

Grace practically introduces herself as transgender.

Example.. today, she went potty and didn't flush. And while she may sit to pee, she doesn't need to wipe (sorry - tmi.. but.. you chose to read all the ins and outs of our story, so.. here you go).. 

So I went in her room and said "Grace, did you go potty in mommy's bathroom?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you flush?"

"Because.. I'm transgender. I don't have to."

..Mic drop..

She's spicy that one.

Of course I worry that other kids will have questions and she will for sure get laughed at and made fun of. But the beauty is, kids are pretty resilient and will likely get used to this "different kid" pretty quickly.

The parents? Well.. I'll have to engage with them one at a time and hope for the best.

I have talked to, befriended, subscribed to podcasts, and read of other parents that have chosen not to out their transgender kids for multiple reasons, but the main being fear. And I respect that. If you're close to us and our family, you know that I've been very open since the beginning because I feel like Grace is so confident in who she is that regardless of how much I say or don't say, she will make up for the missing language. She isn't shy. She isn't timid. She is sassy and spicy and hilarious. I grappled with how I went about unveiling her "new" identity. But in the end, I decided to extend my feelings of pride and acceptance for her and be an open book.

So as I send my last born off to Kindergarten next week and my first born off to third grade, I anticipate some tough days, some dark sunglasses and a whoooooole lotta tissues.

Godspeed, parents.